drinking alone. is that so bad?

there's one thing i want to say...so i'll be brave

so a couple weeks ago i saw caleb again, to give me some muscle relaxers for my back and they helped my insonia. he gave me one of those romantic pick you up hugs. he kissed me right there and it was one of those memorable kind of moments. he had to to pick up his girls, so we didn't really talk. being a woman of modern technolgy and texted him. 'what was that?' he replied 'it just felt right.' ... 'i asked if there would be more in the futyre?' all he wrote was 'can do'

so we talked a couple days after that and it just kinda went down hill after that. he rarely replies to any of my texts. breaking my heart.

last week i met a cute long haired blonde boy (the guy with the pot) at some party. he had me over to smoke and drink. i fogot about the extended release i had. that plus all those jager bombs, i'm sure you can guess what that resulted to. and i ended up disappointing alot of friends that were expecting me to be there.

i blacked out. said something terrible to my sister that i can't even remember. how can you even apologize for something like that?

so now i am on house arrest til i turn 21. that is about 5 months away. hopefully i'll get off for good behavior.

ps. me and the blonde boy hardly text now. it was all day of texting constantly. but then notta. he even just charged me 50 dollars for 2 grams of orange kush. i mean, i let this guy fuck me in the ass. (i don't really remember) but really you think he'd give me a deal.

pps. (pss.?) i am under my covers writing this via cell phone. who am i anymore even?

so self destructive.... so many xanax ... the little left of vodka i had and mint extract.... what am i doing? caleb said he might not be here for long. i want to die. i dont want to wake up tmrw. pls god HELP ME BE HAPPY

You wouldn't like me if you met me.

Every night I deal with insomnia. 3 hours of sleep tops, if I'm lucky. But all I want to do is sleep all day long, and pretend this world doesn't exsist. I can't even bring myself to get out of bed till 3 in the afternoon. Then, when I do I can barely sit in the living room with my family for more than 30 minutes, and all I want to do is lay in bed. I spend most of my time social networking, because I feel like it's the only way I can communicate anymore. All I can hope for is a human connection, online. I don't even know how to act around people anymore, unless I'm completely sloshed.

All I ever want to do anymore is get wasted, but there's not even enough vodka in this cheap bottle to do it for me. My back and body is constantly in pain, not even all the Tylenol in the world can stop this. I'm so ridiculously lonely. I can't shake it. I just want to be numb. I don't want to feel anymore. I've become so self-loathing in the last few months. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

Please, God, just help me to be happy again.

deep

pretty sure i just cut myself for the first time in so long. what have i become?

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

I feel so disconnected from everyone/thing. I'm not ready for another cold lonely season.

I kissed another guy last night, but now that the booze have worn off it doesn't make me feel any better.

I saw Caleb working at starbucks today, he acted like he barely even fucking knew me. So weak. It's the most awkward I've EVER felt around him, he didn't even give me a damn hug.

wtf? seriously??? It was awful... I will never enjoy my hazelnut/vanilla breve starbucks double shot the same again. I wanted to just scream at him so badly, but being the non-confrontational person I am, I didn't. I wish I had the ability to speak my mind to people, no matter what the circumstances. I am such a weak person. I'm ready for my doctors appointment next month, so ready to not feel like complete shit on a daily basis, ready to get a real night of sleep, ready to stop my chronic anxiety. fml right now.

i can't shake this feeling.

lately my stomache is constantly in knots in thoughts of how much i miss caleb. i haven't seen him since my drunken wine escapade, and we haven't talked, just vague text conversations. i feel so emotionally unstable about our relationship, or lack there of. this is just so shitty. i hate feeling so unsure about these things, i can barely get out of bed in the morning anymore. i'm so love-sick over this guy, it's just not like me anymore. i knew because children were involved this was going to be so much harder, i knew it and i still took a chance on him. he used to just give me pot, i asked him about some today (i offered to pay obviously) but HE ACCEPTED! i seriously could not believe it. it confuses me immensely not to mention it's the only thing that gets me through the days. BECAUSE OF HIM! or am i just being selfish here?

i just really need some answers, something not so vague. i just wish i had something to keep this all off my mind. working back at the bar again last night really helped, i miss working there. damn you patron for making a mockory of my life! having money is nice, retail therapy only lasts so long when you're broke. speaking of therapy, september 10th is too far away. finally a new doctor, hopefully this one won't be an ass. my chronic anxiety and absense of anti-depressants is NOT helping mentally or emotionally. wanting to die everyday and insomnia was not on the calendar for this month.